It is quoted or alluded to by many other works, with minor variants in wording: Disambiguation page providing links to topics that could be referred to by the same search term, If It Don't Kill You, It Just Makes You Stronger, What Doesn't Kill You, Eventually Kills You,, Disambiguation pages with short descriptions, Short description is different from Wikidata, Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License, "O,ti De Skotonei" ("Ό,τι δε σε σκοτώνει"), 1991 song by, This page was last edited on 30 January 2021, at 22:03. I can assure you, if someone in that intimate of a position turns out to be a bully who treats you like an inferior and lies to you, it can be VERY damaging. Our most powerful 21st-century technologies – robotics, genetic engineering, and nanotech – are threatening to make humans an endangered species. I appreciate your point. Twilight of the Idols (1888), "Maxims and Arrows", aphorism 8: What does not destroy me, makes me stronger. What doesn't kill us in fact makes us weaker. Most of the links made by people between their early experience with their parents and their current lives are no more than useful fiction. The Joker in the movie The Dark Knight (2008) uses this phrase in a slightly altered way "Whatever doesn't kill you, simply makes you stranger!" It's just illogical. I've been conducting an experiment socially involving female toplessness in New York City where is has been legal for decades and it has been incredibly stressful in every way imaginable... leading me to coin the term Post-Topless Stress Disorder. That which does not kill us makes us stronger. You should know better. Is it not as equally plausible that these individuals are simply sensitized to traumatic experiences - and that this brain activity alone has nothing to do with 'weakness' or 'strength' outcomes - but merely an expression of the experience? It's not a bad article. They are more, not less likely to struggle in the world. This article seems typical to me of so many in empirical psychology - which take every proposition, even an existentialist one like 'What doesn't kill you makes you stronger', as if it were supposed to be understood as an empirical truth. VC: good points all. But others are weightier. 6.”Adventure may hurt you but monotony will kill you.” When I was a child, I used to read books voraciously. What was interesting is that when I confronted her in person about her fraud, she blurted out that our parents loved me more than they loved her: a wonderful excuse to justify her stealing the money--her excuse. Panic attacks, for instance, can lead to a diagnosis of acute anxiety disorder; the person then becomes a 'patient' and treatment suggestions will include psychotherapy and/or benzodiazepines. By Scott O. Lilienfeld, Steven Jay Lynn, John Ruscio, Barry L. Beyerstein, Also here: Agreed. Now, it is true that, in an evolutionary sense, those who survive a calamity are by definition the fittest. While I generally agree with you, the way I work is to help my clients find some meaning in their trauma such that they can use it to overcome a lot of the initial damage they've experienced. Ours, after all, is a probabilistic, not deterministic science. It makes them strong. But they are important in the way oxygen is important to us. This research is giving us clues about the biology underlying that vulnerability." Do the parents have no responsibility for this shaping? Parental behavior doesn't shape children's personalities, you say and for a mother of four (one of them adopted) this is not so hard to believe. How do i know i was over or under punished? but not all challenges, even severe ones, are necessarily "traumas". And this is true for humans as well. Study Finds Therapy Dogs Have No Effect on Anxiety in Teens, Children With Three Parents? One finds this again and again in psychology. However, there is always residue, there are scars, there are detours that slow you down and take you off course etc etc etc. To invoke another, more whimsical, quote from Goldman's The Princess Bride, 'Life is pain - anyone who says differently is selling something.' If parenting is demonstrated to affect behavior and affect regulation, can we not then also conclude that parenting affects personality? I might not be the most balanced person, but it takes a lot to phase me. The temptation is there to speak causally from correlational data but we have to resist it. But get stronger. Nietzsche's work was all about self-overcoming. You can read Judith Harris's The Nurture Assumption to see a nice summary of the issue. Or do I decide to use them as spurs to my own chosen self-becoming? — Was mich nicht umbringt, macht mich stärker. Well, technically, it wasn't you who said that about parenting, it was the article that you referenced with your link. Tender love and care toughen you up, because they nurture and strengthen your capacity to learn and adapt—including learning how to fight, and adapting to later hardship. We slept in the same bedroom, went to the same school and when we fought we were both punished in the same way. I know my being has been damaged by many traumas, starting in childhood and continuing now. Strength does not come from winning. One more reason to love the stuffin out of your kids, and any kids you come in contact with. Cheers to you mate have a nice one. I never gave a thought to my sister and took for granted our relationship until I discovered that she had been lying to me and stealing part of the money I sent to support our mother. Satoshi is the guy responsible for asinine posts like "why liberals are more intelligent than conservatives" and "why atheists are more intelligent..." etc. Some are trivial, like a fan's belief that wearing his lucky jersey helps his team win. The drugs are problematic enough but leading the mind down the labyrinthine paths of distorted childhood memories and negative life experiences can become an unremitting nightmare. “You just hold your head high and keep those fists down. As I myself have endured life's trials and tribulations that have infact made me a stronger person in many aspects, but on the other hand, one who has come to the realization of understanding those weaknesses brought on by life's trials and tributlations and overcoming them is what makes you stronger, not the hardship itself. Scientific support for my claim, however, is abundant in the developmental literature. Friedrich Nietzsche. Jangother: The dog anecdote was used to illustrate the point in an interesting, creative way, not to prove the point. In full, it is: Aus der Kriegsschule des Lebens. Thanks for such a fantastic article. Participants who were near the World Trade Center on 9/11 had significantly higher amygdala activity when looking at the fearful faces compared to those who were living more than 200 miles away. The technology relies on amplifying results many times over. the tough neighborhood - a place where they are more likely than not, going to experience more trauma as adults.). I cannot say I have become stronger (I am about to be 65 years old and I am already a very strong individual), but I am certainly more understanding of the complexity of sisters' relationships and rivalries because I have taken the time to reflect on them. Third, I'm not ignoring tons of research on trauma and maternal depression but rather summerizing it. 'Tis the business of little minds to shrink, but they whose heart is firm, and whose conscience approves their conduct, will pursue their principles unto death. Veterans that I have talked with agree with me that many of the things I have experienced can be similar to those experienced by soldiers. This is a blog, not a scientific paper. It is better to be loved growing up be but those who have been through trauma are survivors. The first paragraph of the book says, "Life is difficult... once we truly understand and accept that, it is no longer difficult." For instance, if upon viewing traumatic images, a post-traumatic person's 'emotional' center was triggered, as well as specific regions of executive function, it would seem that the contrary conclusion this article would be true - that the 'traumatic' experience merely merged emotive registers with problem solving activity. Chasm definition is - a deep cleft in the surface of a planet (such as the earth) : gorge. Children merely grow into adults who have absorbed and developed functioning skills for the societal/customary/routine behaviors of the world in which they are expected to function. Comparing one generation to another is tricky because generations differ on many variables other than level of coddling or trauma. Assuming that the clinical evidence of both those individuals who are "weaker" as a result of calamity and those who are "stronger" is the same, what then is the foundation of this article's conclusion? I even started a blog ( to accomplish this introspection and share my thoughts and experiences with others. How to use chasm in a sentence. And being a survivor is being strong even if it appears weak. It wasn't my intention to romanticise pain (perhaps I've read too much Nietzsche!) Weakness can only beg. Not dissing on the blog post. You're just allowing for healthy roses and sunflowers to flourish. One reason is that suffering, as Freud famously recognized, is an inevitable part of life. Because parenting behaviors co-occur with children's developing personalities, many parents assume that their behaviors actually shape their children's personalities. For some reason, when we are happy or content we don't reflect or analyze ourselves and/or our actions, but when we undergo a hardship, we tend to ponder about what went wrong. Our eagerness to ease the pain of suffering by rationalizing it, along with our tendency to look for information supportive of our preexisting beliefs and see meaning and causality in co-occurrence, all help explain how we arrive at our belief in the school of hard knocks. What does not kill him, makes him stronger. It starts with recognizing our own patterns and understanding why we came to be this way. We just need to be sensible and creative about it. The Soldiers I see that are deeply and chronically affected have many other issues including childhood neglect and abuse. Isn't "toughening up" actually shaping personality? However, despite the fact that human beings have always been weakened by psychological and physical 'trauma', we have continued to survive and multiply and, even, to flourish. Strength Stronger Us I love those who can smile in trouble, who can gather strength from distress, and grow brave by reflection. Well said. "Our findings suggest that there may be long-term neurobiological correlates of trauma exposure, even in people who appear resilient," said Dr. Barbara Ganzel, the lead researcher, "We have known for a long time that trauma exposure can lead to subsequent vulnerability to mental health disorders years after the trauma. It is commonly said that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. It is not that you don't have an influence on their lives, well-being, development, happiness, attachment, feeling of security, self-confidence etc., you just can't change their personalities and make let's say an extravert from an introvert. I have been arrested more than ten times and involuntarily hospitalized three times for legal behavior. This is often the same difference between a teacher / professor, and a field professional (read as psychologist vs. psychiatrist). But that's very different from claiming that listening to or liking one particular musical genre makes you superior in some way. But the whole point of maxims like Nietzsche's - leaving aside all the empirical facts about how we acquire resilience within our experience - is that they're about promoting a certain attitude and a certain decision. Coddling and Care are not the same nor are Psychological hardship and laceration. In humans, many common beliefs are based on this error. I argued it has no effect on the child's personality. He seems to be ignoring tons of research into the effects of maternal depression, childhood trauma, etc. People LOVE to say that quote about being made stronger by things that don't kill you. Are Journal Editors Responsible for Poor Quality COVID-19 Research? A new theory aims to make sense of it all. My only gripe about your post is that you cited something from Satoshi Kanazawa. (Siblings who grow up with the same parents don't resemble each other at all in personality; adoption studies consistently show that one's basic personality is as a rule predicted better by one's biological rather than adoptive parents, etc.) So don't be depressed! As if it were a brute fact: things happen to you, good or bad, and this then has a mere effect on you, good or bad. Lauren: available evidence contradicts your storyline. It's just like what you said, some kids turn out okay despite it. Only when I started traveling did I realize what the travel quote “it’s better to see something once than hear about it a thousand times.” Yes adaptation does depend on the individual. Hence, the ideal of the 'Ubermensch' - the one who could embrace his suffering and incorporate it into an aesthetic re-formation of the self in order to say a resounding 'yes' to life. A History of Multi-Parentage. Enduring hardships throughout life indirectly make you a stronger person. Others, not so much. While I believe that statistically the article refers to findings that may very well be accurate of the norm; I am not sure that the conclusions derived therefrom are accurate. Thus, a 'strength' via trauma. A tear in the muscle can be identified via sonography and treated with anti-inflammatory agents and rest - a tear in the psyche can neither be objectively determined nor, ultimately, 'corrected'. The person you love is able to trust that you won't hurt or abandon them (think children and spouses) and that you have a genuine interest in them. He uses his field less as a science, and more as twisting around facts to support personal beliefs. It is not possible to compare emotional states to physical ones. Last year I found out she had been stealing the money I sent to support our mother, which she used to travel. But parents don't determine your personality. The interesting irony of this article is how he contradicts his own argument. For our minds, however, the leap is short between seeing the strong emerge from a calamity and concluding that they are strong because of the calamity. Severe parental abuse and neglect can indeed disturb personality development fundamentally, particularly for certain children who are already vulnerable temperamentally (genetically). misanthropope, your post seems to read : laceration = Psychological hardship,Care = coddling. But I think there are special cases where mental resilience in the face of trauma and suffering actually DOES make people come out stronger in the end. A supportive upbringing nurtures confidence in children when it's not to the extent of coddling, whereas a harder upbringing, while enhancing independence, may not help with things required to work well in society. Then, because I was hurt, I took the time to analyze what went wrong and deal with this painful situation. Certainly a child who is traumatized will have tremendous barriers to overcome later in life. I completely agree with you. Antidepressant Drugs May Act in a Previously Unknown Way, How Narcissists See Daily Interactions With Their Partners, 16 Ways to Test How Much Your Partner Cares About You, When Narcissists and Enablers Say You're Too Sensitive, Psychology Today © 2021 Sussex Publishers, LLC, Traumatic Brain Injuries Affect More than the Brain, How Social Isolation and Loneliness Impact Brain Function. This variable, it seems, would shed more light on the question of adversity/strength vs adversity/weakness. Love is taking an interest in the well being of others and giving a part of yourself to that person. I've just read the article with much interest, as my own opinion is such that trauma is trauma and maybe some people are more resilient, but the truth is that trauma causes physical stresses which can no more strengthen a person than a blown out tire is stronger after blowing. Kids who grow up in a tough neighborhood become weaker, not stronger. In the long run, the truth provides the best foundation for real strength. "damaged" people may have confidence issues but are realists and at some point they too can come to understand how they got where they are and rise above it. We are all survivors of some form of pain and suffering. I asked the unit commander where he found those vicious attack dogs of his. Intact things work better. The only sensible way to live is without rules. My op. Though these aspects of life can make you stronger they first make you weak, such as developing personality traits that are viewed as weak attributes. Success After failure and failure after success the person equipped with bearing the shocks and keep on walking wins the day on the other hand the person who never walks through a shock maybe unable to stand up again as depicted aptly as satire in movies the Armani suited executive jumping of the upteenth floor on the coming of bad news, Or in reality the News about individuals breaking down we hear it everyday. What it shows is that early trauma predicts later behavioral and emotional difficulties. It was a good article yet missing the personal touch. Why the future doesn’t need us. Dreams have been described as dress rehearsals for real life, opportunities to gratify wishes, and a form of nocturnal therapy. “Success in marriage does not come merely through finding the right mate, but through being the right mate.” … Agree with those who have been through trauma are more, not less, to. And creative about it childhood, from parents or siblings but may be from many other things a of. Agree with those who survive a calamity are by definition the fittest is taking an interest in the i... In a sense, those who have been in fights with no backup and learned... His team win can exacerbate and prolong the initial problem, and they do n't feel around! '' into STEM to make what doesn't kill you makes you stronger quote, etc need not necessarily be a detrimental one affect! Remain intact other than level of coddling or trauma be the most balanced person, but it commonly! T have mist form, and any kids you come in contact with pathologizing the pain life... 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